You okay, baby?

Okay, first of all, let me just say that it wasn’t my idea to see “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” last weekend. We went out with my brother, who tends to shy away from any movies that might be sentimental, so given a choice between the Smiths or “Cinderella Man”, he went for the big guns.

And big guns he got. I have to say, for a movie with so much action, it was the most banal piece of celluloid I have ever seen. Now, I am capable of going to the movies and suspending my sense of reality, but this movie was so far-fetched that it was impossible to do so. It seemed like the director just wanted to use a whole bunch of cool gadgets, big guns and explosions, and it didn’t matter to anyone involved with the production how everything fit together. The movie had the feel of being written by fifteen different people, though only one writer was credited.

I don’t know where to start with the implausible concepts of this film. I’m just going to put aside the idea that these two people could be married for five (or six – stupid running joke in the movie) years without knowing that his or her spouse keeps an arsenal of weapons stashed in the house. Who knew it was so easy? I’ll tell you one thing – this movie gave me some good ideas about where to hide the Christmas gifts next year.

So, let’s start with the concept of hired assassins. Granted, most of my ideas about lone gunmen come from “Grosse Pointe Blank”, but aren’t these people supposed to be discreet by nature? I mean, it really wouldn’t do to draw attention to oneself in a situation where assassination is involved. So, when a bunch of assassins come after the main characters in a car chase, one would think they’d be driving something other than three matching navy blue BMWs with big white racing stripes emblazoned over their hoods, right? I mean, if you want to surprise your mark, it’s best not to call attention to yourself or your cohorts. Maybe it’s just me…

Then, there was the much lauded fight scene between the spouses. There’s a part of it where Mr. rips out part of the stove and ignites the gas, blowing Mrs. out of the kitchen in a huge fireball. Her hair is waving all about, and yet, she is singed not at all. Then the fight continues, progresses, they make up, get it on (without overlooking the obligatory S&M implications, of course), and the next thing you know, they are sharing a snack in the kitchen. Never mind that the kitchen floor is covered in broken glass and Mrs. is just walking around in her bare feet. I could believe that….but the kitchen was ON FIRE. A natural gas fire does not just blow out.

And also, in that same fight – the two of them are shooting these huge guns at each other. Mrs. is blowing holes in the walls and all. Then when the police show up, they’re just like, “hey, you guys okay?” Yes, we are officers, Brad and Angelina coyly say through the door, each of them still basking in the glow of their renewed love. And the cops just say, okay then, and leave! Are you telling me that gunshots in upper-class suburbia wouldn’t warrant more of a response from local law enforcement?

Then in the end, as they are being chased by the assassins as I mentioned before, they end up in some suburban warehouse store shooting it out with 50 or 60 of their murderous peers. And for some reason, Brad and Angelina are the only ones a) who are wearing bullet-proof vests and b) capable of hitting the side of a barn with their shots. Meanwhile, they’ve broken into this store, and no police show up, no alarm goes off, no one hears the thousands of rounds of ammunition being expended.

But I guess I’m just supposed to let the “art” flow over me. Don’t ask too many questions. What gets me too is how some of the reviews have assumed this movie has something interesting to say about marriage. That, in itself, is amusing. This movie is like a telemarketer. If it has anyting to say, no matter how loudly it’s speaking, I don’t want to hear it.

Ugh. Should have been called Mr. and Mrs. Stinks. And another thing – so much hype with this movie. Were they an item then? Are they an item now? Who cares? But this is what gets me – Brad last week appears in an interview with Diane Sawyer (and you know how I feel about her), and he’s saying how he wants to draw attention to the starving children of Africa….in the week before his movie is released….and he’s claiming that since he gets so much press and the starving hordes of Africa get so little, he wants to use this opportunity to even the score. BULLSHIT. Look, I am totally sympathetic to what’s going on in Africa. I don’t know what the answer is over there, but believe me, until you look at the last two centuries of the continent’s history, you’re not getting anywhere. But this guy – makes a big-budget waste of film every year, takes home twenty mil, makes a movie like this one – with all these weapons being glorified as cool, and he wants to sell me the idea that he’s a concerned citizen of the planet? Get off that, Brad.

And that, my friends, is what I think of Mr. and Mrs. Smith

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY
(From “True Romance”)
FLOYD: Hey, bring back some beer….and some cleaning products.