World History According to Nick Jr.

The “GREATEST EXPLORER OF ALL TIME”, according to the network that brought us Spongebob Squarepants, is (drumroll, please?) Dora the Explorer. (Dora, probably the second highest-grossing marketing commodity under Spongebob for Nick’s parent company, Viacom.)

So, to go over our history lesson, according to Nick (and I can just see a number of this generation’s kids being tested on this in years to come, answering “Dora”) the following explorers are ranked as such:

Christopher Columbus?  A phony.

Marco Polo? A pansy.

Magellan? A pretender.

Robert Peary? A nobody.

Ponce De Leon? A-hole.

But Dora, with all her destinations a mere three stops away (which the Map has to remind her of a dozen times from point A to point D), she’s the greatest explorer of all time.