So much for vacation…

Just got back from Puerto Rico, which was really great. We didn’t do much other than sit on the beach all day. As the sun went down, we’d go to the pool, which was mostly empty by then. Most of our company by then were the little lizards that were scurrying around the landscaping. At night we’d dine outside to the music of the collective “Coqui!” frogs in the shadows. I got a bad sunburn on the last day in a last desperate attempt to come home as brown as a bear, but the pain has turned to itch now, and I’m sure by tomorrow, I will have turned completely from raspberry to kiwi-skin.

But it was so relaxing, great to get away with my man.
And another thing: fried plantains rock!

So, I’ve been home less than a week, and the three-year-old, who stayed with his grandparents while we were away, seems to be undergoing a bit of a set-back in the potty-training department. He’s had like six accidents today, including one real mess. There’s nothing like coming out of the shower you haven’t had time for in two days to find a bear-size load of scat in somebody’s underpants. And, let’s just say, thank God for that…

MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY: Hey, at least I’m housebroken! – THE BIG LEBOWSKI –

Stand back!

Suddenly, I’m getting all these pop-up ads for penis enlargement. (Yes, that pun IS intended.) First of all, I don’t have a penis, and secondly, who is buying this product? Obviously people with access to small willies in some fashion or another, but I mean who’s BUYING it?

P.T. Barnum was right!

Okay, this makes me sick….

It’s from the New York Times for today.

“WASHINGTON, April 21 — President Bush’s advisers have drafted a re-election strategy built around staging the latest nominating convention in the party’s history, allowing Mr. Bush to begin his formal campaign near the third anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks and to enhance his fund-raising advantage, Republicans close to the White House say.

In addition, Mr. Bush’s advisers say they are prepared to spend as much as $200 million — twice the amount of his first campaign — to finance television advertising and other campaign expenses through the primary season that leads up to the Republican convention in September 2004. That would be a record amount by a presidential candidate, and would be especially notable because Mr. Bush faces no serious opposition for his party’s nomination.”

I swear this bozo we call President uses September 11th to his own advantage at every opportunity. He evokes its memory in every speech, just to remind us about how he happened to be the leader when the event occurred. (Or maybe he needs to remind himself; he’s such an idiot…) He’s using for political gain an event which should never be taken for granted in such a fashion. It seriously gives me the willies.

The scary thing is that (and not to be a pessimist) he’s probably going to win because he’s got so much f*#@ing money. We really need campaign finance reform in this country. It’s not really a democracy as long as corporate interests can pay so much freaking money to get their own agendas rubber-stamped by politicians.

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY: You guys playin’ cards? – ANIMAL HOUSE –

Welcome to my handbasket…next stop — HELL.

I seriously believe that it’s a bad thing to have “news” programs get their plugs on Entertainment Tonight. (I’m talking about pieces that plug CNN or other network news broadcasts.) What does that say about how we view news as a society? And since when did stories like the murder of Laci Peterson become fodder for entertainment news?

I tune into ET to escape all that stuff. I mean, at least on ET I know that none of it matters. If they start pretending to report news, then the lines are just too blurred for me.

By the way, we’re all being sold 24-7.

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY: I don’t make nothing out of horses, especially “horse-derves” ’cause I don’t know what they are, and neither do you.

Well, I could use a drink….

It’s a beautiful day in my neighborhood, so I figured I’d take the kids out after dinner to write on the sidewalk in chalk. My husband has class tonight, so I put the little one in the Snugli, and the three-year-old led the way. We were out there for about ten minutes, the whole time menaced by the sound of the St. Bernard across the street barking at us through the second-floor bedroom window of the row-home he occupies with his humans.

Then, quite suddenly, the little one decided that he was either over-stimulated, scared of the dog or hungry (perhaps all three), and he commenced to scream that crazy scream that throbs like a stubbed toe. So, he continued as I tried to get the three-year-old into the house. Well, the three-year old was having none of that, so he started running up and down the block, just beyond the stretch of my arm. He laughed playfully as I cradled the baby’s crimson hot head in one hand and reached out with my other.

The baby was in full-blown freak-out phase when I finally caught the three-year-old. Then he began screaming, and I dragged him by the arm into the house. Thankfully he didn’t pull that stunt toddlers pull that makes them feel as though they have no skeleton at all. I don’t know how they all figure out that this trick makes them incredibly heavy to pick up, but they’re all onto it, trust me. It’s something in nature; like ants that can lift 500 times their weight. Little kids have the capability to make themselves feel 500 times heavier than they really are. Anyway, this time he just stomped his feet behind me, making every breath a single word of protest.

Once inside, I had a hard time figuring out the baby’s problem. Wasn’t hungry, wasn’t stinky, wasn’t wet. Maybe he’s teething, who knows? The whole time I was going through this series of checks, and then retracing my steps as nothing had worked, the three-year-old was screaming, “I CAN’T DO IT! I CAN’T WANT TO STAY INSIDE!!!” And he was also sobbing intermittently at the top of his lungs. Beyond the three-year-old, who was bouncing angrily on the couch, through the open windows, I could see the neighbors across the street coming out onto their stoops, looking up and down the street, trying to figure out which parents were abusing their children.

I finally got them both to calm down, and put the little one to bed where his snores are currently being punctuated by those cute little crying hiccups that little ones get.

The three-year-old had a bath and is now watching Toy Story II. I could use either a few shots of tequila or an Advil the size of my head.

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY: Yyyyyeah, he look-a-like Abraham Lincoln….comin’ up to bat.

Why is the cork on the fork?

The other night (who am I kidding, it was WEEKS ago; we’ve got kids…) we went out to dinner, and the maitre’d was wearing an eye patch. Now, do those things come in any color other than black? Anyway, it left us with questions, you know? Why? Why eye patch?

I don’t know, if it were me, I would have had a little fun with it. I would have seated guests and said, “Enjoy your meal, me hearties!”

BAM!

Of all the people in the world whom I would like to hit in the head with a sock full of manure, Diane Sawyer is at the top of the list. (She’s tied with a few other people though…)

I am so tired of celebrity journalists. Where do they get off thinking that THEY are the news?

Thank heavens that CNN finally canceled Connie Chung’s show, though. That’s the first thing they’ve done in the last few years that I’ve actually thought was a step forward for the news business.

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY: I don’t think anyone who’s proud of the work we do is an asskisser. I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses them against the boss’s bottom and then smooches is an asskisser.

Cloudy with a chance of carpet bombing…

Why do I need to know the weather in Iraq?

Very weird dream the other night, probably because of the pepperoni pizza. In the dream there was a creature with the body of a lamb and the head of Kirk Douglas.

Very unsettling….

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY: I just nod my head and wrinkle my eyebrows, and somehow I come out looking like a big sweetie. – SWINGERS –

Have another drink before the war.

Enough of the 24 hour news coverage. I think the nightlies are plenty. I mean, the U.S. has this “network of intelligence” giving us clues to the Iraqi war plan. The Iraqis have CNN.

Which is all you need, really.

Another thing that’s really bothering me about the coverage is Dan Rather. Man, he is AWFUL! He seems not to comprehend what he’s seeing on the teleprompter at all. I mean, I wouldn’t let that guy read a meter. He’s just that bad.

And the slogan “When news breaks out, we’ll break in…” What idiot wrote that? It makes me sick.

Smuck this!

Smucker’s is selling this new product called Uncrustables or something like that. It’s a pre-packaged peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off. Question: How lame a parent do you have to be to buy this product?? PB&J is the easiest thing to make in the world!